tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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