My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
