I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
