i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
