Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just want to make out with him forever
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
