So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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