I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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