her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
