It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize