Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize