You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
