So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
