i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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