My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
