One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
