so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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