I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize