It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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