you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
