just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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