I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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