yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
