his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just cropdusted the office
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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