girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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