Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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