my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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