i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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