Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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