I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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