Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
