A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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