I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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