why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
