when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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