dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
