A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Bring me that man meat
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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