I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
