the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
