this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
