...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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