Umm I'm too high to move.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
