i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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