My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
