She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
