Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Im part way to drunk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
