i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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