everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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