Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
