GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
