So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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