why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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