note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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