dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just forgot I was standing up.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
