I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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