dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
