How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
