so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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