All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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